I've decided to come up with a new ruleset for hockey. I believe it drastically improves the game.

1. Players may not skate on colored portions of the ice. They must jump over the lines that run across the rink.

2. If a player is given a penalty, they are no longer sent to the box. Instead they must remove one skate. If a second penalty is given, they must remove the other skate. If a third, they must surrender their stick. Finally, if given a fourth penalty, the player must traverse the ice on his or her stomach, using only his or her hands for locomotion. (The rule about jumping over the lines remains in effect, and players may not use their feet to accomplish this should the fourth penalty be given.)

3. Instead of a puck, a potato is used. If the potato is destroyed upon being hit by a hockey stick (or really in any other fashion), the player who last touched it is given a penalty, and a new potato comes sliding out onto the ice in a random location.

4. Players must face the same direction (either toward their own goal or toward their opponents') for the duration of the game. This means if a player starts out facing the opposite team, and wants to move back towards his or her own goal, he or she must skate backwards. No exceptions.

5. Players may still fight, and are encouraged to do so, but they must use Sock'em Boppers.